Sunday, 25 December 2011

Happy Birthday Jesus!

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Hey everone! Just like to greet you all a blessed Christmas! I wish you all a great day ahead! Be glad for our saviour king is born! Alleluia ;)

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Saz Ten years from now...

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So... an interesting topic here. I attended one of the workshops in my university today about revisions and time keeping and funnily enough this came up and the lecturer asked us to imagine ourselves in this scenario:

10 years from now, where will you be? What clothes are you wearing and what job are you doing? When you get off your work and stand outside the door of your house, what does it look like? Are you living in a flat? Apartment? Bungalow? Do you own your house? As you go into your foyer, you pick up a bunch of letters. What kind of letters do you have? While you're relaxing in your sitting room/living room, how does it look like? Are there pictures? what kind of pictures?

This made me think, and an image of what I imagined myself ten years from now appeared in my mind. So in this scenario I had in my head, I am working as a doctor in some hospital. I just finished a hard and tiring shift and had taken off my white lab coat (those white coats that the doctor usually have... if you get my drift). As I stood in front of my apartment door in some high rise building, letters in my hand, I headed straight to the living room flicking the lights as I went past the hall. I had letters from the bank, my family and the usual bills. My living room were modest with couches, a wooden coffee table that sat snugly at the center, my TV is mounted on the wall and below it was pictures of my family, friends and myself. My apartment is open planned with the living room, dining room and the kitchen all connected to make a whole open space. It had an adequate lighting, while one of the walls of the living room were made up of floor to ceiling glasses that faces the city and gives a stunning view at night.

That's that. To be honest, I think it's pretty ambitious--what with how it seems like such an expensive apartment and all that. But really it's all right to think big, who knows, it might turn out to be one of the things that motivates you to do your best.

So, Think BIG and ALWAYS do your BEST!

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"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive- to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love-then make that day count!"
- Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Gone are the 'excuses'!

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Excuses? What are you talking about?! I don't do excuses!

Right. Well, we all know that that statement is utterly unbelievable, as much as it pains me to admit it, it is the sad truth. I love excuses. I use them all the time to get out of doing anything and everything.

I got a glimpse of my timetable for uni a few moments ago and what I saw did not surprise me. I knew there were some very persistent people who insist that I won't have classes 5 times a week -- how wrong they are! I have found out that I do, indeed, have classes all days of the week (not including the weekends).

But that's all right, actually, I don't mind going to lectures/laboratory/classes everyday since I will be living there. What saddens me is that I no longer have my excuse of not knowing my timetable to procrastinate. But then, again, I'm glad since I have a genuine reason to tell myself when I don't want to do something and when I absolutely have to do it.

P.S. I hope there won't be any violent reactions to my admittance of using excuses. I apologize in advance for any harm this might cause. To my defense, and I know this will sound contradictory to what I wrote earlier, most of the excuses I make are genuine. ;)

(Who am I even apologizing to?)

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I find myself losing the meaning of words, once my head is clouded with lack of sleep.
-S.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

The Confuzzled idiot

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If things were to go as I want it to be, maybe then, I will really be able to do it. But as it turns out, life just doesn't work that way. Dreams needs time and effort to be reached.

Funny, how I envy those people who have a one-track mind in times like this. So then, I wouldn't be distracted then, I wouldn't stray. Maybe if I have those blinders that horses have, I can reach it. So then, I wouldn't see nor will my attention be diverted to something useless.

I was asked a question, that I am unable to fully recall, about what I need to do to be better or something along those lines, and I answered 'I need to fix my life.' I said it with such seriousness that we all laughed afterwards. But looking back, my answer couldn't be more true. I do, indeed, need to fix my life--something I should have done soon after I realized how disorganized it is.

So then... how do I start doing that?

Monday, 1 August 2011

Losing yourself

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Tears flowed out uncontrollably
and finally I felt peace

This weekend I went to the 13th CFC Youth For Christ European Conference that was held in Dedbden House Court, Essex. It was a gathering of all YFCs from Austria to the United Kingdom and more than 250 youths attended the event. It was such an awesome three days! And I truly thank God for bringing me there. Truly his love is amazing and his timing perfect!

Truth be told before the conference, I was reverting back to what I was before the YFC. I was already having doubts, being complacent and my mind was starting to wander to things it shouldn't be. I was in the state of 'spiritual dryness' and was drifting away from Jesus.

I had a lot of fun meeting new people and past acquaintances, taking pictures, worshiping, listening, looking around, playing, eating, going to the workshops, making new friends, going to mass and chatting away; but somewhere in me was a person of indifference. There was a part of me that was detached to my surrounding and to what I was doing, so I never felt relieved, never truly enjoyed the moment, thus when our area head called us for a meeting and asked us 'What is God's message to you so far?'

I was at lost of what to say and have no idea at the time of what God was telling me. When I replied "Wala... I don't know" (Nothing... I don't know), our leader jokingly said, "Wala pa? kaylangan na ata tayong mag-worry nian" (None? Should we start worrying?)

That was two days into the conference, more than four times of worship, two workshops, a mass and a lot of prayers.

It was a question and an answer that made me uneasy and made me question myself more.

That evening, we had the next two talks of our conference. It was two very good talks and the sharers were very inspiring and touching but I was somehow stopping myself from engaging and fully immersing myself to what they were saying. It was late and I found myself getting droopy and being distracted of the things I was holding, of the people around me, the camera and the fact that my bladder was bursting and I badly needed the toilet. I was still a bit indifferent.

On the third day came the last mass and with it the last talk and the last worship given by Kuya Ralph. It was time for the talk titled 'Ready for the Win' and I was sitting at the front, with nothing to distract me except the people in front, the people beside me and my camera. I had a full view of the speaker and I had no choice but to listen intently. There was times that I wanted to go to sleep, yes. But most of the time I was awake and I was listening.

Maybe it was God's plan to put me in front. To stop me from being distracted and to finally listen to what he was trying to tell me all throughout the weekend. We are in a constant spiritual battle. Everyday, in all of the battlegrounds, Satan is attacking us. In our Family, Relationships, Studies, Hobbies and Service. Because we are special and because we are very loved by God the Father, we are more prone to these attacks. Satan has just one goal--that is to hurt God, and he's doing this by hurting and making his beloved children suffer.

But God knows this and that's why he gave us an armour to fight Satan and protect us from these attacks. He gave us his armour, specially and uniquely made for us. God knows that we are weak and easily swayed, he knows us best that's why he made this armour custom made for each and everyone of us. It is up to us to accept our own weaknesses, stand up and take up this armour and fight in his army.

During this last worship, I understood what one of the sharers felt when he said how wonderful it was to worship God and truly mean what you were singing. In this worship I found myself conversing to God and I understood the joy of acknowledging my weaknesses and lifting it all up to him. My surroundings didn't matter, I didn't care of all of the people around me, I didn't care if they see me cry, or if my voice broke. In that moment it was just God and Me. I was singing and worshiping him and I was meaning what I was saying. Finally, I heard God's message and my tears continued to flow out uncontrollably and I finally felt peace. All of my doubts, my anxiousness, fears, hurts, my feeling of unworthiness, dirtiness and my questions were answered and washed away. God said "I'm here, I'm always with you. Follow me."

I surrendered everything to God. He washed away my sins, purified my soul and made my heart at peace. He took me apart bit by bit and made me new. I decided to put on his armour, to be part of his army and run to him.

I am Saz and I am armed and ready!

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God do not call the qualified. God qualifies the called.
-Father Angel

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

The scaredy cat

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A post just to say that I'm actually still here. hahaha.

First I shall all greet you a fair day ahead. Now that that is done and over with. I'll tell you about my day! I had work this morning at the cardiac care unit. It was a nice ward. Nothing really hectic and the staff and the patients are lovely. I did the routine. Change the beddings, wash the patients, do the obs etc. etc.

It was a lovely morning besides one of our patients passing away. I helped in washing and cleaning her up and in putting her in the white bag. She was collected later on to go to the morgue.

That was the first time I saw a patient passing away and when the nurse asked me to clean her on my own... call me whatever you wish, but I was scared. I was alone with the patient in the side room and everyone was busy. I stayed away from her and started filling the bowl with water but I just couldn't do it. My nerves was kicking in and I was just really afraid of touching her. I don't know... maybe I just watched too many horror movies but I imagined her grabbing me and opening her eyes if I touch her and that really crept me out. She was 'deathly pale' (now I actually know what that looks like and not just imagine it) and cold.

It was just really unnerving to see a person you've seen breathing in the morning, dead. So, it was to my relief when the nurse said that I didn't have to do that anymore as the relatives didn't want to see the body. So what I did was, I cleaned her mouth up a bit and bolted out of the room. I later on went in to help the nurses clean her up and I was fine since there were more people in the room. I just couldn't do it alone since I'm such a scaredy cat.

After finishing my shift, I went home and organised my letters and posted another evidence to student finance. So, that's it really. I'd like to ask you guys to pray for the soul of the lady who died today and her family who was left behind. May she rest in peace.

-S

Thursday, 24 March 2011

... ~ :/

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The initial burst of happiness has ebbed away and the anxiety and fear starts to creep in. It wasn't that I am reluctant to accept and do the job but I am nervous of the oncoming storm of blunders. It's like the first day of school all over again, except a wrong move on my side may lead to people hurting more than they already are.

Work Days are back!!

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After all the training and all the waiting I can finally work and officially start! Yehey!!!! :D

As you can probably tell, I am very very very hyper right now. I'm practically in cloud nine. I just got a call from the office telling me that I could now book shift for work! So yeah! *pumps fist up in the air*
I'll be starting this Monday from 1:30 pm to 9:30 pm. And heck! I'm looking forward to it. :)

So, Thank you! Thank you Lord for this wonderful blessing! ^^

Sunday, 13 March 2011

min min ninja

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"min min... min min..." muttered the ninja at my side imitating the sound of the cicadas and trying to be a part of the wall- but failing miserably. He would have splendidly camouflaged himself if only the paper he's hiding behind is held rightly upward, as is the pattern of the wall behind him.

I looked at him oddly and shook my head in resignation. The poor boy was doing his best to 'conceal' himself from me, so the least I could do was to humour him and pretend that he is not in the room. I knew he was here to spy - again - but really this is getting ridiculous. I sighed at his antics and walked purposefully to my desk and tackled the mountain of paperworks.

I would have continued signing and reading the multitude of report on my desk if I hadn't sensed some movement around me. I was quickly reminded of the person 'hiding' in my office and glanced to my left. The paper wasn't as high as they were earlier and the top of his head are peaking out, I placed my glasses down and pinched the bridge of my nose. The room has gotten darker and I noted that the sky had turned from a nice sky blue to a reddish-yellow. I looked back at the deformed part of the wall, "I'm sorry, I had completely lost track of the time. Your arms must be hurting."

The paper straightened all of the sudden -stubborn mule. I stood up from my chair and stretched out grabbing my sword and hitching it on my belt. I made my way to the door and sighed heavily, "Aa~ I really wanted to see my brother today... now I wonder where he'd been all morning and to think I was looking forward at giving him something."

I heard him gasp behind his paper from his 'hiding' place and I smirked. I turned the door handle and stepped out of the corridor and soon enough a little ninja caught up to me and hugged me from behind. "Brother!"

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Rant Post (Or maybe not?)

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Somehow, I feel that I'm such a crappy writer and I'm just not good (writing aside).

It must be the feeling of being down talking, but I can't deny that somewhere in my mind, I really do think that. My composition are littered with grammatical mistakes, scattered ideas, uncertain tenses, and use of awkward and out-of-place words. It's a mess isn't it?

I'm probably just annoyed, tired and sleep deprived right now so I guess that's why I'm falling down deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole but really the question that should be asked is "Do I want to get out of this hole?"

The answer is Yes and No.
  • Yes, because it's pathetic to drive myself to depression and retreat to my own world. It is not good to encourage my introvert self and let it take over. I don't want to end up being a hikikomori after all. Of course, I shouldn't let my self esteem and self confidence go down the drain either - that would be a waste. I am also sure, my family and friends won't appreciate my withdrawal and along with it my change of attitude.
  • No, because although it feels like I am going insane if I stay any longer here, it is - believe it or not, rather nice. I'm not saying that I enjoy the idea of myself walking on the border of insanity. It's just I'd like to stay here just for a while more to look at myself and have some time alone. But don't worry, I know my limits and I'll be sure to step back when the ground is about to crumble.
But really, I haven't exactly fell into the deepest pit of the rabbit hole...I can still easily pull myself out of it really and I probably should do that ASAP. *sigh* And this is a rant post. I'm sure if I get some sleep I'd be back to myself by tomorrow so please just ignore this. (Anyway, Is this really a rant? or just an emo post? But I'm not really emotional right now... actually I'm rather calm? If you could see my face it's probably like this: ( -_-). Hmmm... I'm rambling. Ok. This is really it for tonight. I'll really be going to sleep. :P)

A midnight scribble?!

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(Well it's past midnight actually but who cares about such a trivial thing!)

I am feeling rather down right now and I don't exactly know why... I would, if I could, try and look for what exactly it is that is bothering me and keep myself busy contemplating about it for hours but that would unfortunately, lead me to nowhere - so I'd rather not do that. I have also been suffering from this wretched cough and I think it's affected my tonsils - they're hurting right now. I've been drinking all kinds of medicine but I'll be sticking with just one from now on and I've been told that I should hydrate myself as much as possible. So, I will do just that. I shall drink a lot of water starting tomorrow... I just really want to get rid of this cough and cold as soon as possible. I've already had enough! It's already been two weeks and, I'm pretty sure you'd agree with me on this, it is such an inconvenience. It's affecting my plans, as I cannot go out or work when my body decides that the earth's gravity is suddenly higher than it usually is and won't let me get out of bed.

Anywhos... scribbles are meant to be short, so I'll be ending this here. I also should go to sleep now as I really shouldn't be staying up late... but you know how my body clock is messed up and how I cannot sleep earlier than this time because my body just doesn't work that way and would not let me sleep no matter how long I lay in bed with my eyes closed. haha. So, with that. Goodnight! :)




Wednesday, 16 February 2011

It's one of those days

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Yep. Definitely one of those days. :D

haha. You've probably have no idea what I'm talking about do you? Well... those days are the days where I have the house to myself. So what do I do during those days? hmmm... a lot of things. :P

If I'm feeling productive, I'll write. Peckish, I'll cook. Out of my mind, I'll clean. Bored, I'll lie down. Spontaneous, I'll go out and have a walk. But usually, I have a movie marathon and today, I did just that. I got up, had my breakfast, took my blanket from my room, opened the TV at the living room and sat down with a cup of tea and a tissue roll by my side. Why a tissue roll? Because myself have the double C. Yes, the double C. I've got the cough and cold. Thus, I've no idea how I'm gonna make it through tomorrow, since, I've got volunteering in the morning and tutoring in the afternoon. Kinda busy sched for a sick person to get through.

Anywho, I'm planning to stay in my room and read a book called 'Naked Empire' by Terry Goodkind.

Ciao :D

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Facing You

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I want to face you
with a pure longing
and not out of pretense.
I want to talk to you
not because I need to,
but because I want to.
And I want to love you
not because I have to,
but because I truly do.

Friday, 4 February 2011

The chatterbox is back! Catch up! Catch up! Catch up~ ! :3

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Hello my dears!

A lot of things have happened since my last blog post. One of them is that I finally started my volunteering in Southend Hospital as a Hospital guide! *happy dance* haha. And so far, so good. I've been enjoying all of the days I have my volunteering and it's nice to talk to a lot of people. Hearing them say 'thank you' to me when I bring them to the right place makes my heart swell with joy. I'm glad that I'm helping them and take their tension off somehow by my nonsense chatter. lol.

And here's the biggest thing that happened this past week. I have a job now!! Praise God!!! I attended the interview for Bank HCA in the hospital Friday last week and got my letter of acceptance today. I'm so happy and I feel so blessed. It's amazing how God works :3

There are other things but that's not so important. How are you guys? I hope you've all been well. ^^

Ciao!

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"Happiness depends upon ourselves."
- Aristotle

Friday, 28 January 2011

Hunger.

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Mood swings seems to be the trend nowadays... one minute you feel like you're so happy that you're at the top of the world and the next minute you're down in the deepest depth of the ocean where it's all dark and everything is murky.

And this post probably doesn't make any sense at all so please by all means ignore it. ¬_¬

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Temptation

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Mary, my Mother, your love for us could not be greater or more powerful. You are rich in love and your power brings us relief You want everyone to be saved. I beg you therefore, protect me in temptation and strengthen me when I weaken. I struggle daily to be faithful to Jesus your son. Help me my Mother at every moment. But above all take me by the hand when you see that I am weakening and about to fall. I will have to battle with temptation till the day I die. My Lady, you are my hope, my refuge, my strength; never let me lose the grace of God. In every temptation I resolve to turn to you at once and pray. Mary Help me.
(St. Alphonsus)

Monday, 10 January 2011

22.49 A note to oneself.

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Stop living in the glories of the past
cause they are exactly that.
They're gone,
passed and never coming back.

No matter what you do,
no matter how much you wish,
you can't live in the past.
That's what the present is for.
Start living it.
It's a waste not to.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Happy New Year!

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A new year has been dawned upon us again, so let us rejoice and feel glad. Brace yourselves and face it with courage, pray that we would get through this year safe and all the more loved and blessed.

*nosebleed* hahaha.

My loves! May you all have a bountiful and a successful year ahead! Thank you 2010 for all the ups and downs, for the things we've learnt and experienced and for all the wonderful blessings that you have brought with you. Let us welcome 2011 with a smile and a kind heart. Let us leave behind our regrets and forgive those who have done us wrong for it's a new start for everyone of us, a new beginning, a new page. Your 2011 story is yet to be written and you have the power to make it a successful one for the pen is in your hands and the paper is already laid out for you.

My endless love and gratitude to everyone who have touched my life (one way or another), to those I've met (brief or not), to my family and to God. Without you I won't be who I am today and I'm looking forward to being with you guys for this year and more. :)

Love you guys! Be blessed! Keep looking forward! Think positive and remember that God will always be there for you throughout this year and forever.

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Happiness and sadness is a choice.