Monday, 1 August 2011

Losing yourself

Tears flowed out uncontrollably
and finally I felt peace

This weekend I went to the 13th CFC Youth For Christ European Conference that was held in Dedbden House Court, Essex. It was a gathering of all YFCs from Austria to the United Kingdom and more than 250 youths attended the event. It was such an awesome three days! And I truly thank God for bringing me there. Truly his love is amazing and his timing perfect!

Truth be told before the conference, I was reverting back to what I was before the YFC. I was already having doubts, being complacent and my mind was starting to wander to things it shouldn't be. I was in the state of 'spiritual dryness' and was drifting away from Jesus.

I had a lot of fun meeting new people and past acquaintances, taking pictures, worshiping, listening, looking around, playing, eating, going to the workshops, making new friends, going to mass and chatting away; but somewhere in me was a person of indifference. There was a part of me that was detached to my surrounding and to what I was doing, so I never felt relieved, never truly enjoyed the moment, thus when our area head called us for a meeting and asked us 'What is God's message to you so far?'

I was at lost of what to say and have no idea at the time of what God was telling me. When I replied "Wala... I don't know" (Nothing... I don't know), our leader jokingly said, "Wala pa? kaylangan na ata tayong mag-worry nian" (None? Should we start worrying?)

That was two days into the conference, more than four times of worship, two workshops, a mass and a lot of prayers.

It was a question and an answer that made me uneasy and made me question myself more.

That evening, we had the next two talks of our conference. It was two very good talks and the sharers were very inspiring and touching but I was somehow stopping myself from engaging and fully immersing myself to what they were saying. It was late and I found myself getting droopy and being distracted of the things I was holding, of the people around me, the camera and the fact that my bladder was bursting and I badly needed the toilet. I was still a bit indifferent.

On the third day came the last mass and with it the last talk and the last worship given by Kuya Ralph. It was time for the talk titled 'Ready for the Win' and I was sitting at the front, with nothing to distract me except the people in front, the people beside me and my camera. I had a full view of the speaker and I had no choice but to listen intently. There was times that I wanted to go to sleep, yes. But most of the time I was awake and I was listening.

Maybe it was God's plan to put me in front. To stop me from being distracted and to finally listen to what he was trying to tell me all throughout the weekend. We are in a constant spiritual battle. Everyday, in all of the battlegrounds, Satan is attacking us. In our Family, Relationships, Studies, Hobbies and Service. Because we are special and because we are very loved by God the Father, we are more prone to these attacks. Satan has just one goal--that is to hurt God, and he's doing this by hurting and making his beloved children suffer.

But God knows this and that's why he gave us an armour to fight Satan and protect us from these attacks. He gave us his armour, specially and uniquely made for us. God knows that we are weak and easily swayed, he knows us best that's why he made this armour custom made for each and everyone of us. It is up to us to accept our own weaknesses, stand up and take up this armour and fight in his army.

During this last worship, I understood what one of the sharers felt when he said how wonderful it was to worship God and truly mean what you were singing. In this worship I found myself conversing to God and I understood the joy of acknowledging my weaknesses and lifting it all up to him. My surroundings didn't matter, I didn't care of all of the people around me, I didn't care if they see me cry, or if my voice broke. In that moment it was just God and Me. I was singing and worshiping him and I was meaning what I was saying. Finally, I heard God's message and my tears continued to flow out uncontrollably and I finally felt peace. All of my doubts, my anxiousness, fears, hurts, my feeling of unworthiness, dirtiness and my questions were answered and washed away. God said "I'm here, I'm always with you. Follow me."

I surrendered everything to God. He washed away my sins, purified my soul and made my heart at peace. He took me apart bit by bit and made me new. I decided to put on his armour, to be part of his army and run to him.

I am Saz and I am armed and ready!

God do not call the qualified. God qualifies the called.
-Father Angel